Imagine

 Imagine 

You think it’s ok  

You’re trying it’s ok 

You’re doing it, your really are 

You set up and met up 

You laid down and you played fair

You did it all and you were there 

You tried everything to not let it tear 

You knew this was how you were supposed to be

How you were supposed to see things 

But a light movement 

A slight difference 

All of a sudden it’s all gone

All lost

As if you were never there to begin with 

As if this wasn’t all you were working for

All your life all your existence 

What is wrong with you

Why are you like this

Pull it together 

Everything is amiss

Oh! But you insist 

Please, save it.

This is it

When you realize all hope is lost

All hope is tossed,

You don’t know who you are

What you are 

Where are you

Wherein you belong. 

It will never change.

You are damaged.

This is damage and derange. 

Good riddance. 

Good riddance.

Rock bottom

So this is rock bottom 

Not much to see 

Is it the drinking 

Or is it me 

Slumped in the sheets 

My mind won’t be at ease 

The tears flow 

What a release 

I can’t see 

It’s blurry in this siege 

I am starting 

This is all so disheartening 

Old feelings come back 

I feel attacked 

I go down

Like a box of jacks 

Stacked 

On stacks 

That’s that 

What’s that 

that’s that

Realization
Recognition
That this is just the same as before
The same as it always was
Just differently planned, colored coded in different marker
Written in unique font
Organized, but with the same ideas
This is the hardest part
The knowing
The thinking
That stops you deep in the midst of whatever it is that you’re doing
It’s as though someone smacks you between the eyes
Stunning you, but not completely forcing you unconscious
Shaking you, embarrassing you,
But not killing you.
Extreme, but not death.
The closest thing you can experience to the pain of the end,
Without the end.
That’s why it’s hurts so deeply
And feels so solid and rough
But this isn’t the end
Just the start of a longer process...
Good luck!

true feelings

true feelings
well my true feelings
are that I
care for you more deeply
Than you could ever know
but what’s the point in saying
when you’re already gone
what’s the point in telling you
something you never wanted to hear
I lost you
for some reason, I don’t know
communication is not your strongest suit
I’ve lost you
and I want you back
in the most deep and meaningful ways
in the most dark and possessive ways
in the most innocent and undeniable ways
I want you
It’s killing me
It’s killing me
I’m dying
To get you back in any way
In some way
In one way
In the smallest and the most consuming ways
But I don’t know what happened
As I sit here with the dust settling
After the unexpected explosion
After the expected let down
And weep
Please come back
Please come home so I can bother you
Some more
Please hold me
Please invite me over
Please tell me a deep secret
I’ve still never told anyone else
I only keep secrets for you
I’ve only held onto this for so long
I don’t know how much longer I can hold this
I don’t know how much longer you want me to
I don’t know who you are anymore
But I feel that I need you
I want you to open your mouth
And let out the insects
The animals
The people
Pulling us apart
I need closure
I need
This to be closed
Or to be opened again
Don’t leave me with this fly on my lips
With this moth in my heart
Don’t leave me
Don’t leave me anymore

emptiness—fight

as i lay here
Trying to do anything
But think about this
About you, about this, about us
About me, about our situation
About the mess I’ve made
About the mess you’ve continued
I just wonder
Should I continue
Or should I grab it by the roots
Like I always do
And pull and rip and tear
And dispose of
The compost
Or should I continue
To embarrass myself
To hurt myself
To become violent with myself
On account of
You
Should I?
Is anyone that worth it
Is anyone that taxing
Is anyone that special
I believe
That most people are special
At least, most people
Just not me
You are special
I’ve not cut off communication with you yet
I’ve not continued my ruthless cycle yet
You are set on pause
I didn’t know I could pause
Until you.
But I’m on the edge
Should I press play
Or just throw away the set
And start over?
Should I stop being useless
And awful
And sad
I wish I knew
I wish I knew how to do that.
You make me so sad.
Maybe someday you will understand
But I dont think you ever will
Nobody understands
I just need support
From you
But you don’t care
And so, I lay down again.

One

one
I just need one
Just one breathing
Living entity
To understand me
That’s all I’ve ever wanted
I just want
Someone to listen
And someone to tell me
Their deepest darkest
Thoughts regrets
Things I haven’t heard yet
And things I have heard
I just want them to become open
With me
And only me
I want to be that special person
For someone to talk to
For someone to listen to me
For someone to hold onto what I’m saying
And not let go.
I don’t want the superficial
I don’t want the surface talk
I don’t want the jokes
I don’t want anything else
All I’ve ever wanted
Was one true human
To be another true human alongside me
All I’ve ever wanted was a true friend
I’m not perfect
And I wouldn’t expect them to be either
I don’t want perfection.
I want the most imperfect person
To want to be imperfect with me
I don’t know why
I can’t grasp that
I think there must be something wrong with me
Maybe someday
I’ll see the light
And find what I desire
in a friendship
Or maybe someday
I just won’t exist
And at this junction
At this terrifying place
In my life
Either is just fine with me
Not existing is just fine with me.

You

You
You were the one person
I had a person
To go to, to confide in.
You made me feel
Kinship, comfort
longing to be someone again
Closeness
A real connection to another human.
I thought I had made it
I thought I had finally done it
I’m not an outcast after all
I’m not someone who will never fit in
I have a place
I can belong
In your arms
Or at least, in your vicinity.
I was wrong
I’ll never be that somebody
Not for you
Not for anyone
Not even for myself
I can’t find it
Because it doesn’t exist within me
I just wanted one thing:
A friend.
But I’m undeserving of it
Clearly, I’m a worm
Clearly, I’m undeniably pathetic
Clearly, I just want this to be over with
If only it could all be over with.
Your likeness,
I won’t describe it
Your taste,
I won’t deny it.
Your closeness,
I won’t subscribe to it
Because I can’t,
You don’t want it
You don’t want me
Unless I’m killing my self over you
Unless I’m putting in 250% of me
I don’t even have 100 to give myself
So how can I give you anything at all.
I pushed myself to give more to you than I possessed
But here I am
It meant nothing again
It never does
I’m more upset than when I began.
This is the worst one yet.
People suck
But I suck the most
The most
Maybe someday I’ll get an understanding
Of why I need to chase people
That don’t care for me
That don’t appreciate me
That don’t want me
In any capacity
But today is not that day.
I’m sure I’ll continue my ways.
I’m sure I’ll suck the life out of someone else
The only way that I know how
And I’m sure that you’ll be watching
Laughing
Just like the rest
Oh well.

emptiness—flee

opening myself up
like a clam
like a caged bird
free to be me again
free to be anything again
I try
I give it my all
I know I am
I now know what all is
All is what you have
I’ve nothing left from this exchange
you take
And take
And take
and never say thank you or please
why don’t you use your manners
who taught you that was okay
who taught you, you were okay
when you spit upon my head
and danced under my most vulnerable
Words
without a response
Sitting, here, in this bed
semi-drunk, semi pissed off
semi anything, without you
I think
who has the right
To treat someone
like you have
kicked me in the face
dodged me in every way
Oh right
I did
I did that, I let you, that’s what they’ll say
It’s always my fault
I’m the one that loved
I’m the one that played the game
that one has yet to win
Against a tough guy like you.
I want to die
but also, I want to sit
And mope
I want to tell somebody
but talking to useless, you taught me that.
Im a nuisance
I just want a noose
To prove to you, all the times I meant it.
If you could be me, for one day, you wouldn’t do this
To me.
I’m not dramatic
I’m just dogmatic
And depressed
And empty
hollow
please help me.
I always think
that the prospect of a man
Or anyone
Saving a woman
Is a farce
But why do I continue
To lay this heavy burden down
Onto just you.
Why do I continue
To be the stone in your side?
Why do I continue
To be alive?
I want to die.
I want to die
I want to die
So that everyone will know
I wasn’t lying
For attention
I was lying
For praise
I wasn’t lying
To get a kick
I’m so empty inside.
The only things that keep me alive
Are the 100$ bills
The cheap thrills
Your hand on my shoulder
Your texts late at night
Telling me I matter.
I know I’m projecting my entirety
Onto you
And that’s not fair
But I can’t help it
It’s all I can do,
To keep my eyes fluttering anymore.
And to see an empty response,
Sitting in front of me
When I’ve mirrored you
For that moment
Is defeaning
I can only
Cover my ears to stop the bleeding
Please help me.
Please help me.
Please hurt me.

unhappy with me

i'm unhappy
can't you see?
i'm unhappy with me
why is everything so difficult?
simplicity isn't an option with this
it doesn't exist
i'm unhappy with me
can't you see?
i see a bird, landing on the tree
and it sings to me
and i fall in love again
im unhappy with me
can't you see?
the bird wants to be set free
it doesn't love being with me
it doesn't know me
i'm unhappy with me
can't you see?
i just want to see the ghosts of my designs
happy
and free
without me
i'm unhappy with me,
can't you see?

just let go of me.

used

i feel used
what other way could i explain it?
like a napkin, a used tissue
but what was i expecting?
flowers to be thrown at me,
when all i could show you was
what was underneath my clothes?
my brain knew
but my heart developed something more
and i wish i could cut it off
break it, rope it, strangle it
somewhere in a field far off, never to be thought of again
but the emotional toll is too much
it's all just too much
and i need some real, human touch
but what is wrong with me?
i knew what this was
i knew what it always was
your hand on my neck,
your lips on my chest
that was the best, i could get out of this mess
instead i threw...this
a party that i can't leave, a bill that a can't pay, an excuse that i can't make
because it's you
and it's fucked up of me, i know
that i want you to look at my face
and feel something, anything...close to what i am
i want you to see my physical attraction
and use it to meld some emotional connection
that doesn't exist
that never will be.
i don't know how to end this
but it's killing me...
it's killing me.


please...let me live.