emptiness—flee

opening myself up
like a clam
like a caged bird
free to be me again
free to be anything again
I try
I give it my all
I know I am
I now know what all is
All is what you have
I’ve nothing left from this exchange
you take
And take
And take
and never say thank you or please
why don’t you use your manners
who taught you that was okay
who taught you, you were okay
when you spit upon my head
and danced under my most vulnerable
Words
without a response
Sitting, here, in this bed
semi-drunk, semi pissed off
semi anything, without you
I think
who has the right
To treat someone
like you have
kicked me in the face
dodged me in every way
Oh right
I did
I did that, I let you, that’s what they’ll say
It’s always my fault
I’m the one that loved
I’m the one that played the game
that one has yet to win
Against a tough guy like you.
I want to die
but also, I want to sit
And mope
I want to tell somebody
but talking to useless, you taught me that.
Im a nuisance
I just want a noose
To prove to you, all the times I meant it.
If you could be me, for one day, you wouldn’t do this
To me.
I’m not dramatic
I’m just dogmatic
And depressed
And empty
hollow
please help me.
I always think
that the prospect of a man
Or anyone
Saving a woman
Is a farce
But why do I continue
To lay this heavy burden down
Onto just you.
Why do I continue
To be the stone in your side?
Why do I continue
To be alive?
I want to die.
I want to die
I want to die
So that everyone will know
I wasn’t lying
For attention
I was lying
For praise
I wasn’t lying
To get a kick
I’m so empty inside.
The only things that keep me alive
Are the 100$ bills
The cheap thrills
Your hand on my shoulder
Your texts late at night
Telling me I matter.
I know I’m projecting my entirety
Onto you
And that’s not fair
But I can’t help it
It’s all I can do,
To keep my eyes fluttering anymore.
And to see an empty response,
Sitting in front of me
When I’ve mirrored you
For that moment
Is defeaning
I can only
Cover my ears to stop the bleeding
Please help me.
Please help me.
Please hurt me.