emptiness—fight

as i lay here
Trying to do anything
But think about this
About you, about this, about us
About me, about our situation
About the mess I’ve made
About the mess you’ve continued
I just wonder
Should I continue
Or should I grab it by the roots
Like I always do
And pull and rip and tear
And dispose of
The compost
Or should I continue
To embarrass myself
To hurt myself
To become violent with myself
On account of
You
Should I?
Is anyone that worth it
Is anyone that taxing
Is anyone that special
I believe
That most people are special
At least, most people
Just not me
You are special
I’ve not cut off communication with you yet
I’ve not continued my ruthless cycle yet
You are set on pause
I didn’t know I could pause
Until you.
But I’m on the edge
Should I press play
Or just throw away the set
And start over?
Should I stop being useless
And awful
And sad
I wish I knew
I wish I knew how to do that.
You make me so sad.
Maybe someday you will understand
But I dont think you ever will
Nobody understands
I just need support
From you
But you don’t care
And so, I lay down again.