Numb

Numb
I am numb
I am really, truly raw.
I think back
to the cool feel of the snow
on my pale body-
cleansing me, renewing me
making me a better, smarter, more pure
human being or whatever I am.
Do humans act this way?
Can fear control a human,
in such a way
in this kind of way?
We had a blowout,
once again,
I remember your threats, meaningless
but just as meaningless
as your honesty,
the words you would speak
to make me alive again.

and here I am once more,
this is merely
a different face in front of me
and a different voice
but you are the same
how did I not see?
Your eyes were the windows
that I was too afraid to open the shades upon.
I should've recognized the malice,
the misogyny,
the blood,
that I now catch
in my golden fingers
the red that now
pours from my face,
I hold your blame
on my lips
my gentle skin
and you are crushing it
yet somehow I keep you from suffocating my soul.

You have left the room now
and I shake,
I eat my tears, I swallow my dignity
for there is no space for ego here
this place is so small.
You see, I fit perfectly,
lying in this bed
sweating, dripping
tears and spit and red liquids
dirty, but still...quiet.
I hope you never come around
I wouldn't have to be anything
until you come back
to squeeze me empty,
more empty than I was when you met me.
I don't want to die
under your twisted mouth
I don't want to die
I want to survive
God, this time I want to survive.