no memory

you roll your eyes into the back of your
head, which is larger
than maybe the amount that you actually care
about the situation that unfolds before your eyes
like a hopeless disease
that the doctor named and you can't pronounce
so at first you are okay with it because you don't
understand what such a name entails
how a name with so many friendly
looking letters like an e and an a and an l
could really shake you up inside
you think to yourself: there is an l in love
and you don't begin to predict that this name
could single-handedly
tear through all of your internal organs
in a way that no emotion could ever touch
yet this emotional pain is so physical and comparable
to the feelings that you harbor when
that person, the one thing that you hold
higher than yourself, the one thing you have, cannot comprehend
what is happening to you
and to them
and to everyone
but especially to you
because don't they love you
and didn't they know that love isn't something that you just
say
and that your short, fermented, thumb
stroking my own
meant that you claimed me
and i accepted
and that one was for one and one only
that you promised to remember me
if i died tragically, or regular, whichever
but it meant so much more than you realized
so in that moment when i am lying on the couch
in a fluffy blue blanket
on my crooked, aching spine
with nothing to do
and i should be able to close my weary eyes
and my weak meaty convertible
that i drag along with me everyday
the things that i call my legs
and arms
and terrified bloody, heart
you should know that i am frozen
yet i simultaneously want nothing more than to be frozen
so i don't have to decide anything ever again or be used ever again or be lied to ever again
because my life is not a joke
not like yours
and i was never laughing
please keep your punchline to yourself
i don't want to remember you or anybody else