feelings

laying on the ground
with my head on the grass
this feels so familiar
and when the cop came yesterday
I almost did not give him your name
but someone else's
who I realized was like you all along
and I don't want to feel this
I'm starting to feel this
the crush of my spirit
my heart and my brain
becoming slowly unusable
consumed with the emptiness
but can we just leave this somewhere else?
do I have to feel this anymore?
can we just leave it outside
where it ended, where it started?
can we please remain departed?
I know you didn't care anyways
but I needed to hear those slow lips
say it, I needed you to mean it
I needed to hear how you hated me
Like I hated you, because I do and I did
I don't need you to understand
anything or think anything or want
anything.
I just need him, her, it...anyone,
anything that will keep me above water
and you are certainly not it,
you pull me down with you everytime
and my eye hurts
goddamnit
and I'm still mad about that
but I admit it, maybe I do enjoy
being victimized
because its predictable, because I always am
and no, I don't understand that
so don't ask me to elaborate
and boy you don't care, do what you want
live your own life, you wouldn't read this
unless it was stapled to a cigarette carton
or whatever it is that you value in this life
I never quite found that out.
I need to heal, I want to stay numb
here in my bed
so leave me to be
and never come back again.