I used to be happy.

The universe used to be
a blank page.
An entire world of promise,
a field full of possibilities.

I used to be
a girl with an open mind.
I used to be
a whole heart, spilling over the brim.
I used to be happy.

The last time
I was given the opportunity
to glimpse upon your face...
I didn't.
I wasted what was beautiful.
The only beautiful thing I had, the only thing
worth anything.

Letting you slip from my hands...
like a rope burn.
Painful, deep, cutting to your skin and soul.
In more ways than one.
The physical and mental pain
sacred for your parting
was exactly what I deserved.
I'm to blame for the desperate cries that escape my lips.

It's all I've to say.
Words do not post purpose
in this meaningless life.
They were reserved to you, owned by you.
I lock the gate
on the breathing cemetary I have become.
I keep them out.
Travesties have no place in the face
--of that which is dead.

My future,
as far as I'm concerned,
does not worry me...
for I have none.
Emptiness, bleakness, winding paths.
Twisting, turning, merging--one into another.
Until multiple veers become blurred.
Dissapearing altogether.
This is something I can't envision for myself...
A future, that is.

It sucks me in.
So strong.
So deep.
It uses such force that I can almost imagine...
a hand.
Shoving me into the mix.
I try to resist, but my atttempts are futile. All in vain.
Always in vain.
The vortex teases me,
sings lullabys to help me close my eyes...
I like to let them linger.

"Have you forgotten what you have written?"
It speaks.
"You've betrayed him and you own soul,"
"Come back."
The voice gets louder, harsher.
Faster
--heavier,
With more conviction.
Bringing with it grinning malice, smiling despise.
And my insides collapse in on themselves at the sound of his laugh.
Death swirls and spins...
directly in the center.

"Come back."
It reapeats this for more times than I care to count.
It makes nary a difference though, nothing makes a difference.
But the suction and desire have increased now.
I cannot live without it, I need it to nurture me.
I hand myself over.
To the galaxy.
To the stars.
It is
--a black hole.
I hit the center and my fears rush at me.
I gasp for air, desperatley shaking, as the darkness strangles me.
And the voice of condemnation mocks me forevermore.

I used to be
a girl with an open mind.
I used to be
a whole heart, spilling over the brim.
I used to be happy.